woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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