THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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