just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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