I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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