Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
