So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
