I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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