I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
