You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
