I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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