im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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