Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
