The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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