you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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