Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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