I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
