i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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