i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
