Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's rum buckets o'clock
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
