While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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