What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just want to make out with him forever
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You ruined the universe
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
