we're chasing vodka with high fives
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
