I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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