I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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