Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
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