oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
