Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
