We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
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I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
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I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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