If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
