toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
