There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
