I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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