I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
