I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
