Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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