I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
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Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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