i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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