dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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