I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
