Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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