one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
