dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
