Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
