I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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