marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
