I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
