I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
