I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
