M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.