Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic