I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.