I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
