I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
