you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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