If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
