Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Randomize
