Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
