i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
