I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Mom said you looked used
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
