it wasn't lemon gatorade
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
