Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I supernannyed him into submission
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
