I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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